Have I told you about my self-ish theory? It goes like this: The people I experience as selfish always seem to be acting out of a vague sense of what they want and who they want to be. I see them repeat patterns of behavior that infringe on the rights of others in such a way as to assert the fact that they have a self at the expense of those around them. I figure that if these people really had a solid sense of self to work with, they wouldn't have to impinge, infringe and otherwise cross boundaries in unhealthy ways.
I don't know if it will jive with your experience of the world, but it certainly rings true for me.
So in the interest of understanding where my self ends and another person's self begins, or--even better!--where my self begins and another self ends, I have made a little list of lists that anyone might make in order to get to know the self they have, the self they don't and thus be less self-ish (I'm using the suffix "ish" here to delineate dabbling or unfinished: as in, "it's not really brown, but brownish" or "not really nice, only nice-ish"). I for one would much rather have a reliable self, than be only sort of self-ish.
The following is a list of lists I make, sometimes for my self, sometimes all by myself but usually when I feel most self-ish so I can figure out my real self.
things that hurt me
things that heal me
things I know for sure
think(g)s I believe
things I can't do
things I know I can
things that reflect back to me the love I am and have like trees and ladybugs and good stories. Like Jesus cursing the fig tree, giant pancakes and maybe even you)
people I trust and why I trust some things I think about them
Thin(k)gs I need to say and who I'd like to say them to and lastly
if I will.
promises I should have made, and some I wish I hadn't
promises I could have kept and some I wish I didn't
mistakes I'm glad I made and some I wish I had made
but mostly I like to think on things that wake compassion within me and those I love.
There you have it. It's quite a project to get a self, until then self-ish will have to do because I'm not, at the moment, a huge fan of selfless, even though it is highly respected. In my humble opinion it is not often done well and most of the time it isn't entirely necessary and then there are even the times when it is just a disguise anyway...
