Even on an ordinary Tuesday, you shine like Sabbath sun and play like its a prayer:
You dreamed of inviting us all into your home and we came.
And we do it often, or wish we could, because it seems so easy to be at home with you.
When we arrived at the intersection of Sacred and Profane, we found you painting walls pink, cooking us dinner, planting a garden and hoping not for bounteous produce but only for a place where we all might be nourished by learning to love the dirt; you left the gate unlocked and the dog unchained to greet us.
You are the hopers, the dreamers, the risk-takers who retreat into the forest and then emerge ready for another month of life in the urban ecosystem And as you live in the holy bothness of your forest love and city heart I think of all that I want to be--much of which you already are. You see new life for the prostitutes and would anoint the Johns with oil. You keep watch over the human traffic as it mingles with the morning commute and I am ever mindful of the adventurous spirit you bring to all you do.
And I will never forget the day you warmed my cold old soul with coffee and split open pomegranates so that when I felt most exhausted and infertile, you noticed my hands covered in red like a midwife's: shrouded in evidence she has been with the newly born.
I wrote the following piece on the day I learned it . You have known it all well for a long time. But I want you to see it. And I'm posting all this here, even though I could just send you an email, so that folks will know that you are, that you live this and during this, the holiest of holy weeks, when blood and water; death and life collide, everyone might know that you exist,
That you are
and that you are
Dear Guardians of the holiness of whores and the Jesus in the Johns...
and this our hope for our children is what you birth every day.
And I thank you, with all my heart, thank you.
::::::::::::
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month...
so there is this:
NATIONAL DECLARATION BY RELIGIOUS AND SPIRITUAL LEADERS
TO ADDRESS VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
We proclaim with one voice as national spiritual and religious leaders that violence against women exists in all communities, including our own, and is morally, spiritually and universally intolerable.
We acknowledge that our sacred texts, traditions and values have too often been misused to perpetuate and condone abuse.
We commit ourselves to working toward the day when
all women will be safe and abuse will be no more.
We draw upon our healing texts and practices to
help make our families and societies whole.
Our religious and spiritual traditions compel us to work for justice and the eradication of violence against women."
* * *
then there is also this thought I'm working on, a part of my self, my story, haunting me, like a ghost of an idea about falling and failing in love, jumpers, flight and fight and all these other ways we move into love and out again.
there was a moment yesterday, crossing the aurora bridge, the one famous for all the jumping from its trestles, and I thought of flying instead of falling.
I thought of the birds, like swallows, moving wings once or twice and then stealing through the air without moving a muscle. Chins up, wings folded, toes curled, feeling the power of the one thrust propelling them toward the next tree.
I straightened my back, closed my arms straight down my sides, and stretched my neck toward the sky, blue and filled with the cold of autumn against my face. I had pulled back against the wind of fear, and it lifted me up higher than it ever has so I could rest against it for a moment and slide myself between clouds like bed sheets or warm water.
I thought of all the times and places to fall in love.
The truth is that these days I am better than I've been in years. Old friends tell me they see me again, the ways I used to be and new friends say it is nice to hear me sing along, to see me play along, bounce down the sidewalk, smile honestly, weep it out, and hold on to myself.
But there are moments, when I feel so alone.
In those moments I think of all the missed opportunities: the chances we didn't take.
if you stop taking advantage of the chances to fall in love, they begin to disappear, they are replaced by anger, dead ends, silence, yelling, screaming, hating... you begin taking risks to fall in love. I began to let myself fall for hurtful things because that was all I knew and all that was offered and so the falling in love became more like suicide jumping. I was falling for anything, everything and not just falling but jumping and hurling, hurtling, hurting,
like a kamikaze fighter pilot, heading straight into death, fearlessly, gracefully and powerfully into the pain (to cause it, to feel it)... but not honestly, or hopefully and not in a healthy way--only silently, secretly, furtively, dangerously, thinking only of saving my marriage, not myself.
then there was one night
i sat on a park bench, smoked two cigarettes, drank a can of simpler times lager
and then
i called a friend who said haven't you been through enough?
i called my dad who said you can feel guilty if you want to but you didn't do anything wrong.
i called my sister who said it sounds just awful.
i called my mother...
and by the grace of God she said
don't ever give up hope
but i heard her say
Love can happen to anyone, anywhere, it can happen over and over again. The way birds migrate toward warmer weather, or return for a break from the heat of things with full bellies and nearly grown babies. think of love following you, waiting for you, wanting you, even when you are moving from one warm place to another, trading trees for oceans, not life for death.
you needn't go about love like you're on a suicide mission. that is not hopeful, not helpful.
so
here is a list of things to look out for, excerpted from a pamphlet published by planned parenthood:
"Does your partner...
Threaten to harm you, pets, or himself?
Blame you for everything that goes wrong?
Lie or break promises to you a lot?
Ever say, "you make me get this angry," or "I can't help being so mad with you around."?
Expect you to do everything he says?
Ignore or dismiss your ideas or the things you want to do?
Get jealous when you spend time with family or friends?
Seem very overprotective or ask other people to watch over you?
Call you all the time?
Accuse you of flirting or getting romantically involved with someone else?
Keep you from having money of your own?
Force you to have sex when you're asleep?
Get angry and threaten you when you don't want to have sex?
Force you to have sex without protection against pregnancy
Hurt your genitals or any part of your body during sex?
Criticize your sexual performance or use sex as a way to punish you?
Only care about his own sexual pleasure?
Refuse to take full responsibility for the abuse?
Refuse to get professional help?
Become more and more abusive?
if you answer yes to any of the above, you are in an unsafe relationship."
Don't rush forward. Get some space, take a deep breath, that might be all you can do for now. But the day will come when someone will offer you help, hope...
because there is more out there and you have not missed your chance to be loved, you just aren't loved by that person, and that doesn't mean you are unlovable altogether.
one day
there will be a different yes because there will be a different set of questions...
"Do you talk openly about your feelings and tell the truth without fear?
Do you listen to each other's ideas?
Do you solve problems and disagreements together?
Do you each have friends, interests and activities of your own, and ones that you share?
Do you respect each other's privacy?
Are you proud of each other's talents and accomplishments?
Do you talk openly about your sexual needs and desires?
Do you protect each other from unintended pregnancy?
Do you always have each other's consent for sex?
Do you help take care of each other?
Do you have disagreements without becoming violent?
Do you respect each other's belongings?
Do you feel closer to your partner as times goes on?
Do you feel happy when you think about staying together?
Do you solve problems together more and more?"
Well, do you? Do you want to? Do you know you could, would, will?
Don't ever give up hope. Look for the next chance, take the next chance to be loved but if you feel yourself falling too far, too fast, don't forget
hope is a set of wings, a warm updraft, a curl in your toes and a lift in your chin, hope does not search the horizon for an enemy, or watch the ground for signs of life to be snuffed out, hope does not increase the speed of disaster,
hope turns falling around and failure takes flight...
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